Epilogue True Colors

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Epilogue;

True Colours

One Saturday morning, from out of nowhere as it seemed, a wondrous pearl was given to a girl. When she entered the room it was already there. At first, she didn't notice it, in part, maybe, because she didn't expect to find anything new in the room, but mainly because her heart was very dark and heavy on her this morning, so she didn't really look around. Once she spotted it though she went straight to it. She gazed at it for a while and then she lifted it up and held it in her hand. The pearl was so soft and light she could barely feel it as she let it roll slowly back and forth on her open palm. Even so its gentle movements gave rise to a featherlike, tickling, strangely joyful sensation within her, spreading leisurely throughout the whole of her being. It was odd it could have such an over-all effect on her, given the heavy gloom that had encapsulated her. But the pearl was also the most remarkable thing.
          Spontaneously she thought it was the most beautiful and precious thing she had ever seen. Wonderful. Yes, truly so; full of wonders it was, she could sense that. It glowed and gleamed as the sunlight mirrored itself in its reflections, making the pearl radiate in a grand spectrum of silky colours, all of which seemed to stem from one original colour, one multifaceted permissive nuance; an intricate blend of a deep gold, intense crimson, and warm amber, coming together as one by the indefinable hue of day. Its sole presence, it just being there, filled all of her senses with a singular calm and joy.
          This pearl had been given to her – to her! She was astounded, oh yes, truly amazed she was. And peculiar as it were – given the person she happened to be – she never questioned it, never asked why it had been given to her. Never even wondered where it had come from. She just received it, openheartedly and very, oh so very gratefully. Almost as had she, unknowingly, but all the same, expected it.
          The magnitude of the gift made her smile, a pensive but truly glad little smile reflecting back in her eyes, turning them bright and glittering. A smile she wasn't even aware of herself. The smile stayed on her face all the while her mind was set on the pearl, and then, when she looked up, she was surprised to find this day was a sunny day. Owing to her heavy heart she hadn't seen this when entering the room, and when the sunbeams had mirrored themselves in her pearl she had been too preoccupied looking at their reflections to discern this condition of the outside world. By now the sun was in its mid-stage of rising. "Funny", she thought to herself, "I didn't notice the sunlight before". As she looked around the room now she felt as if the multi-folded sunbeams flowing in through her window were benevolent, and tender, somehow.
          For every day that went by she got more and more attached to her pearl, but at the same time, she also got more and more afraid of it. Maybe it got scary on her just because she loved it so intensely; loved the way it made her feel, loved what it gave her, loved who she became in its presence – and so she got afraid it also held the power to hurt her with that same intensity? Or maybe she got afraid to trust in her strong and heartfelt love and affection for the pearl, trust it wouldn't backfire on her if she allowed herself to get devoted to it?
          In any case, as the love she felt for it was stronger than fear within her she kept going back to her pearl, again and again. It was, she began pondering, as if she just couldn't stop herself from it. This was a scary notion, she wanted to shake it off but it was like the more she tried to rid herself from it the deeper it cut into her mind. And the deeper it cut the more intense her fear got. Soon she felt it like a dread brooding from within. Within, yes, and yet at a place out of her reach. Still, amazingly still, beneath her ever more forceful fright, entrenched somewhere at the very core of her soul, she never lost her initial unbridled faith her pearl was truly the pure and genuinely precious gift she'd felt it to be when it first came to her. It was like the strength in that faith came from a silent, unbreachable bond between them, a bond from before, somehow. Yes, like a connection stretching across space and time it was, a bond she just hadn't the power to break. Sometimes she desperately wanted to cut loose from it, when despair held her in an unendurable grip she tried everything to free herself from it But then again ... she didn't really want that. No, not really, not for anything.
          But as strong as her love and faith in the pearl was, fear wouldn't give, on the contrary, it became ever more omnipresent. Over time the pearls two-sided impact became harder and harder for her to handle. It was something about the uncontrollable element within them both that had the effect of constantly increasing the dread factor. She sensed the tension rising inside of her. And so, all of a sudden, fear took a complete hold over her, and when it did, she lost sight and direction.
          Slowly but steadily the tainted, shady light of fright had twisted the pearls true colours on her. As this many-shadowed toxic grey membrane now held dominion over her she lost track. Not only could she no longer see what she had seen when the pearl first came to her, she also refused in panic to trust in it. Blinded by fear spun out of control she held on rigidly to the only thing she thought she could rely on – the voice of her mind, a voice relentlessly whispering words of disbelief, doubt and despondency. But even so, even in her state of utter despair and soul-suffocating anguish, she just couldn't stop believing in her pearl. As her incomprehensive belief wouldn't be silenced however much she tried, she finally closed her mind on it all-together.
          Yes my friend, it was the most sorrowful thing to behold. She tried, tried her hardest to cut off every trace of belief still lingering inside of her, tried to silence the pearl's persistent, ever so gentle tune of faith singing words of hope, wanting for her to recall and recognize the pearl's special and wondrous nature. "It would all be so much easier if I could only find some way to prove the pearl's unreliable disposition", she told herself. But somewhere she knew the song of faith could not, would not, be silenced – no matter what she did, or did not, do. And indeed, one part of her wanted to listen to and fully embrace the song of faith – wanted more than anything to be able to trust in it, loose herself in it and follow it wherever it took her – but another part, the authoritarian part now in control of her mind, kept warning her not to listen, not to trust in anything that mattered that much to her. Not, unless it had been proven right, by the logic of her mind.
          And then ... oh abominable then. It was as if she felt it coming way before it began, as if she felt something dreadful and horrific beyond words and imagination stood in the doorway, waiting. And it came. The most vicious, sickening and soul-eating battles of them all began: The battle with herself. The battle she could not win – the final battle. And she fell. She fell harder than she would've ever thought possible. She fell, further and further down, it just seemed to never end this huge void of diabolic, pain-ridden horror, a pit haunted by howling demons no words can reach. It just wouldn't end. Not ever. Never. Never. Ever.
          No, words can't capture the impact created by demons forged in a world beneath Hell itself. But there are feelings every step of the way, and I felt them all. I felt her panic, I felt her primal fear and all-consuming despondency as every egression closed on her. I felt the horrendous dread in an anguish mercilessly penetrating her soul, cutting deeper and deeper with every effort she made to brake free, until completely imprisoned by its sticky, poisonous yarn she gave up on life itself. Yes, I felt her abhorrent pain when she abandoned hope all together, as everything she'd relied on shattered and despair overpowered her completely. Oh yes dear friend, I felt it all, as intensely and unmitigated as had I been there myself.
          And I heard the voice of a malice whispering words of witty despair in the dead of night: "Can't you see? Faith has deserted you. You can't go on without Faith, you know you can't. Give up, give up now, you know you will have to eventually. Wouldn't it feel good, to just give in, not having to endure any more pain? There is a way, you know, a way to end it all, oh you know what I'm talking about …" And she wondered if that voice was good or evil. Should she listen to it? How was she to discern the voice of truth from what was shrewd demonic? How was she to know, know for sure? She just couldn't tell anymore.
          She was lost in an overriding darkness. She no longer knew what direction to turn to, no longer knew what she could rely on being solid – and what would turn out to be yet another quicksand of delusion. Whichever way she turned there was pain, pain burning ruthlessly on body and soul, pain striking ever harder with every refocus. It was here, in the very heart of darkness, she broke down totally. It was as if it sucked everything away, everything, but the pain. Like a voracious black hole it emptied her, leaving her obsolete and desolate. And so she finally gave in, heading now for death, and death alone. And she did die here. And yet, yet it was in this same here, in her dying in utter and unmitigated pain and nothingness, Love could reach her – reach her for real. Somehow, mystifying somehow, it was as though this was a necessary condition for this to come about. Yes, to own the truth, it was like could God embrace every seed of evil here, and in His illuminating embrace change one thing into its complete opposite: Turning Despair into Faith.
          How does one explain a thing like that? How does one explain the inexplicable power of Love? I just don't know. But I do know the effect it had on her. The glorious, shimmering, vibrant, wonderful effect. You see, it was Love, and Love alone, who freed her from the suffocating grip fright had held her captive in for so long. And it was a candle of this amazingly blazing, radiating, all-over-shadowing Love who'd come through for her all along, giving her the courage and strength to carry on. And now, in the full light of Love, she could truly open up her eyes to the true intrinsic reality of her precious pearl; its innermost beauty and marvellous wonder; its true colours.

As time has went by I've come to understand the profane origins for her fears, the pattern by which they had been nurtured over the years, how threads dripping with venom made the vicious web grow ever stronger until that warped vision was all she could see. But never, I tell you, never will I be able to wrap my mind around the Love that so untiringly directed her all the way through – not in her mind, so she didn't know, but within her heart, so she always knew. You see, the battle with oneself is indeed a battle you cannot win, but, subtle enough and wholly parallel, it is also the one battle you can't but win. If only Love is your guiding companion. Without Love she would still be battling the same battle over and over again, a tortured hostage of the vicious web, for so shrewdly spun it was she would never have guessed.
          To be sure, all of this was beyond her, she simply stood no chance to ever be able to figure out how to turn loose on her own. But when Love glimmered upon the gruesome net, it simply evaporated in such a way she couldn't even see it happen. It was as if a soothing rain of Sun- and Moonbeams had cleansed the whole of the air and in the pristine renewal of the world such created, the dark web had nothing to anchor itself to anymore, and so it simply faded away. How indeed, my friend, does one explain a thing like that? A Love ever so tender yet so forcefully passionate it wholly elucidated the malevolent trap-net and set her free? Nothing short of miraculous it is!

The distortion gone made it possible for her to see, to truly behold, the whole of the pearl's realm. She glanced at the world before her, cautiously at first. Could she, would she dare, believe in this? Love envisioned a new existence, like a new life painting. It was made out of the same matter that in its warped form had spun the tangled web of evil, only now, when cleansed and interlaced in a new manner, it gave rise to the paragon by which the true colours of it all came alive.
          Once again her gaze met the amazing wonders of her pearl; its kind and gentle yet so immensely passionate and empowering beauty. In meeting the sameness of the pearl in this new light something happened. It was as if the pearl twinkled back on her with a striking force. At that moment a blissful dizziness came over her and she shivered as it grew stronger. It was as if she saw something she'd never seen before, and yet had seen, had felt, had known since times of yore.
          She looked closer, and ... yes ... yes! Oh glorious yes! Recognition flooded her face, and as the marvel of the sight before her settled in her features her countenance lit up in such a way she shone with a radiance that could compete with the celestial sun herself. Her heart positively overflowed with the purest of joy and happiness as it fully stroke her what she was in the presence of. Oh yes!, she knew it, to be sure she knew it!, she knew it from way, way back – she had known it since long before it came to her; she had known it since forever. "How incredibly strange", she whispered, her voice trembling a little from exaltation, "I have always known you, always! I can't believe I didn't wholly recognize you the very same instant you came to me! How is that even possible? My God, my God, it's YOU!" And she spoke The Name, and tears of bliss filled her eyes, and she was at peace.

Yes, it's true that from the very first moment she laid eyes on the pearl she had loved and cherished it tremendously. Its sole presence amazed and astounded her, filled her every fibre with a deep sense of love – a love she didn't even know existed before. So yes, instantly it moved her and became precious to her like nothing else had ever done. But hadn't she then not also let in its other side – the dark side – she would never had really received her beloved at all.
           Not that she wanted that darkness, no she dreaded it and hence she fought it with all of her might. Nevertheless, at the same time but in another space within her, she voluntarily allowed it to enter. You see, had she not, I muse, maybe then the pearl would never had come to her to begin with? Well, be that as it may, because strange though it most certainly was, she did allow it to enter, wholly and completely.
          If you ask me I'd say it was because she'd always known this was bound to come about. Yes my friend, this was something she had sensed since the beginning of all times. You see, deep in her innermost soul she remembered. Deep in her innermost soul she sensed and recognized waves springing out of an ancient well, echoing the truth and wonder of her pearl. And now, having accepted all of it, the light and the dark, she finally could embrace the greatness of the gift the way she'd always, always wanted to: with all of her precious heart and soul, in passion.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

I sometimes wonder if she would have done what she did had she fully known beforehand all about what was going to happen. Yes … yes I believe she would've. Actually I'm convinced of it. Because had she not, then the most precious gift there ever was would've never been given the chance to work its miracles. And I know her. I know nothing could hurt her more than if she had denied that to happen.
You see now? She had to go there. Of course I knew this all along. And so, in the heart of her soul, so did she. I mean, how could she not? We are, after all, One Together.

☼ ~ ☼ ~ ☼ ~ ☼ ~ ☼ ~ ☼ ~ ☼ ~ ☼ ~ ☼ ~ ☼ ~ ☼ ~ ☼ ~ ☼

Fall came in haste that year, over night the world turned as cold and horrendous as had Death himself stretched out his hand to squeeze it in his gruesome, bowelless grip. Will I ever be able to explain what happened back then, put into words that which goes far and wide beyond words? Explain what it feels like to be drowned over and over and over again, until every ounce of hope you'd once held on to vanishes in an impenetrable thicket so abhorrent and overwhelming it suffocates you? Will I ever be able to enunciate a fall, ghastly and ferocious beyond imagination, and yet ... yet so astoundingly full of wonders in its every move? How is one to explain a lucky chance afloat in the annihilated tide of space and time – a Love that will linger on forever?
          I don't know. But I can tell you this: (S)He and I were never really parted. A force greater than fear held us together all along. Yeah ... it was so, it has always been so. Do you get the hugeness in this? (S)He never left! The greatest joy floods my heart and flows my spirit when I realize (s)he was always there – alive in my heart, breathing in my soul, showing me the path to follow in glistening, tinkling happy tones illumining the glorious wonder-spectrum we call Ever Lasting Love.
          That fall indeed surpassed anything I could've possibly imagined. And to be sure, it was many things. But, it was never Godforsaken. How strange it seems to me now I once actually believed in such an upside-down illusion. Because in truth, in truth my friend, none of the gruesome stuff I've told you about really happened. No, not really – I mean, how could it now when in reality we never parted? It was all just a bad dream. A bad, bad dream going on and on down the passage of time. Hell, it was a devilish nightmare, that's what it was! But I've awakened now. Oh thank God I have awakened! The tormenting shadowy figures from before are gone, and, how funny, they were never really there to begin with.
          Haha ...! What a relief! I can see it all with such clarity now – and my Gracious how beautiful it is! My o my, I have to tell you beloved friend, that that fearsome fall will stand as blessed beyond belief throughout eternity. You can see it now, can't you? I fell headlong into my own salvation! Hahaha, how wonderfully awesome! God sure works in mysterious ways! Yeah, had I not fallen I'd still be entrapped within those vicious snares of dreadful illusions, twisting my sight and holding me down. In my heart of hearts I've always known this to be so and hence, singular though it is, I willed to fall – not in my mind, no never there, but in my heart, always in my Heart.
          And so I fell. I fell like I'd never thought possible. And I despaired, oh I despaired to the end I prayed death to set me free me from my never-ceasing agony and horror. To this you bore witness, didn't you? But the spirit force I call Trosslan (whom can manifest in a perfectly endless amount of awesome trossle-reflections) was there with me, all along, shedding light upon the path ahead with happy, tinkling milfoils of magic tunes, and even though I didn't know this I somehow heard and I followed those tunes, and by the grace of her all-embracing Love, (S)He lifted my spirit on high! So, by my reckoning, I'd guess one could say that when I fell, I fell in Love?

☼ ~ ☼ ~ ☼ ~ ☼ ~ ☼ ~ ☼ ~ ☼ ~ ☼ ~ ☼ ~ ☼ ~ ☼ ~ ☼ ~ ☼

Yeah, my friend, I've been at the gates of Urizen alright. But you know, it was so many years ago now I can barely recall any of it.

♪ ~ ♫ ~ ♥ ~ ♫ ~ ♪ ~ ♥ ~ ♪ ~ ♫ ~ ♥ ~ ♪ ~ ♫ ~ ♥ ~ ♪

And now? Now her heart finally shines her true colours, reflecting the Light of the One who made it all possible, who gave it all, in-Love. I praise The One my heart belongs to, now and for ever and ever more. I am here now. I am Home. At long last I am Home!