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Chapter 25

Magnets of Misery

The next night a rain fell. A strange, gloomy kind of rain it was. It came pounding down in huge quantities from a bowel-less pitch black sky looming heavy and low overhead. I noticed each raindrop was so dense and potent in itself the rain as a whole gave the impression of an opaque curtain abruptly secluding the beholder in their midst from the rest of the world. I fixed my eye on one of the raindrops and followed it along its path. When I could no longer distinguish it I raised my gaze to follow another one. And then another. And another still. And somewhere there, in my following their frenziedly swift paths, one by one, from my own still observing point of view, I just suddenly saw it: The raindrops weren't falling. It was the weirdest sight I'm telling you, so in reverse of everything I could hardly believe my own senses. But once I saw it, it was as had my vision cleansed, leaving no room for doubts. These raindrops came up from below.
           I understood I had, by matter of course, initially presumed them to be "ordinary" raindrops and so naturally I'd seen them coming down from the sky; I'd seen what I expected to see. When the truth of reality shifted my vision it was a bit like how it can be when you're watching a wheel spinning round and round ever faster in the movies of the old days; at a certain speed it looks like the wheel is changing direction. 
          The very same second I saw the innate nature of what surrounded me a scent of fear filled the air. You see, what I'd believed to be raindrops was in fact beamdrops swamped with dark, dreading feelings. Feelings wanting to come forth. Feelings wanting to take shape somehow, somewhere, in somebody's being. Strange as it may sound I simply knew these feeling-beamdrops wanted to be, wanted to find a host through which they could transform their bodiless energy-frequencies into words and, as such, being able to connect with each other, because together they had the power to form a supreme frightful essence. Yes, they sought a host through whom they could create a dreading scenario in existence, hoping to this way release themselves from their present unbearable state of not-being-ness. "How utterly curious", I thought, "I have been their host, for so long I can't remember, and I haven't even been aware of them until now."
          I glanced about and I saw a soft light somewhere in a faint far away. I became conscious this light was the source enabling me to see them now, because within this light their dark energy discerned in an odd fashion. It was as if this light made the otherwise transparent perceptible.
          I came to realize I'd been living my entire life in this rain without having noticing it. And I understood the reason for the rain being so huge and dense around me was that these beamdrops had paved their way in and throughout me over the course of many years. Like had I been the opposite of a caustic network; a sphere envelope onto which dark rays of fearsome feelings could reflect and refract themselves to an ever huger manifold. "Yeah", I thought to myself, "I've been like a scared atom orbiting in a fearful universe, and, together with these beamdrops, in some dark tune of existence, we've created a force of gravity they could utilize to be-come embodied and multiplied." Yes, that simile gave elucidation.
          I realised I had, without even knowing it, been motioning a magnetism these beamdrops couldn't resist being attracted to, like had my mind created an equivalent to a black hole, invisible to the naked eye and yet so indisputably there; an unseen spinning, twisting void opening up a dark energy transmutation-portal. Because these feelings, dark and fearsome as they were, were not evil, it was simply their impending nature to find ways through which they could transmute their existence as discorporate energy into something more solid. They wanted to matter. Darkly so.
          But now, when I could see them, when I attentively watched them whirling by, it was like that in itself prevented them from using me as their energy frequency transistor. Amazing really, I just paid attention to the sorrowful beamdrops as they came ascending from below and they could – or would? – no longer enter. I stood still and watched them; sometimes several came swirling together, comprising a cluster of painful darkness. For a moment I was stunned by their huge quantity, but that same moment, when I began thinking about them, as opposed to simply observing them, it was like the thinking in itself opened up a small gap of disquiet they could exploit as an entrance into me, and in a split second they did and initialized an embryo of a frightening emotion. So I silenced my mind by returning to just watch them coming, one after another, one cluster after another.
          I got the feeling that this simple act – watching, and thus acknowledging them being there – created an ever so small yet highly significant change my inner energy frequency, and that somehow this shift in turn created some sort of an invisible shield in or around me, a shield they could – or would? – not penetrate. Like, when I remained still and observing, as opposed to moving about in bravado or escapism and fear, they found not that soundboard inside of me they'd used before to echoingly mirror themselves into solidness, and hence they simply bounced off of me and away, perhaps, I pondered, to find another darkly open host to torture?
          For a while there I couldn't resist imagining the expression on their faces when they bounced off, as if the beamdrops had been little creatures with puny agendas and intents of their own to go with them. The expression that came before me was that of utmost surprise, since I, for some unfathomable reason, envisaged them as some kind of happy drinkers taking their ol' familiar way to and fro the pub. Now their breach was suddenly and in total unbeknownst closed off on them, and so they went: "Huh???". This fancy, no matter how amusing I thought it to be at the time, had the effect of re-opening myself as a portal for them to enter again. However narrow a gap, it was enough for them to invade the whole of me once more. Faster than the speed of light they stroke, because, you see, these fellows moved at the speed of darkness.
          Later, when I thought back on this, I wondered if perhaps the horrendous soul-eating despair backlashing upon me and completely overpowering me then was necessary for me to fully comprehend their true nature, to fully realize them as dark, dreadful feeling-beamdrops, simply following the law of meta-physics governing their Universe? Or maybe I was simply unaware of my own lingering darkness, an abidance dark wanting them to join, with the intent to finally destroy me? I do not know, but the darkness flooding me there was the vastest ever, like an ocean of hopelessness it overran me, and I sank, unable to defend myself I sank into its bottomless depths.
          After eons of desolation and against all hope I managed to gather some strength down there. I had to leave God for this to come about. Or rather, I was forced to see God in a new light, to see Him for what He really was. And He was not what I had believed Him to be. No, far from it. Unwillingly and heartbreakingly painfully I let go of my most precious beliefs, slowly replacing them with a hollow, apathetic acceptance of what might be called the soul-less beingness of nature (a resigned acceptance that, later on, actually turned into a belief in beingness as a phenomenon both natural and super-natural, like two dimensions existing parallel and in conjunction with one another).
          Peculiar that chance had it to be here, somewhere along this alternation-process, I found myself catching sight of being in reach of a double backed current. I knew that if I was to get myself out of the unbearable, I somehow had to get to that current, and, do it totally by myself. You see, I knew now for sure there was no God, I was on my own, and I was pulled down ever harder in this ocean of desolation. So I tried, I mustered whatever strength I had left in me to get to that current, I braced myself as best I could and I swam for it with all of my might, but to no avail, the downward movement was too much for me. So I gave up, I gave in, and I headed instead for my own death. And there, for reasons beyond my understanding, there I could surface once again. And once again I saw the dark feeling beamdrops whirling everywhere around.
          I quietly watched them doing so, as I had before, only now I didn't have to refrain myself from thinking or feeling anything about them. Because I was completely emptied; I wanted nothing, I willed nothing, I hoped for nothing. Like an un-dead existing amongst the living my mind was indifferent and hollow. I just didn't care one way or the other anymore. I think I died there, I think that's why, all at once, the dark beamdrops ceased coming my way. They simply dispelled from the ether from one moment to the other.
          With them not being there anymore something happened. It was the most singular thing and I cannot, try as I might, find the right words for it, but in lack of better ways to express it: It was as had a totally new season sprung forth. Yes my friend, it was like the coming of a spring of all springs, a new beginning of all seasons. The dark rain seemed to have cleansed the very air from a previously unnoticed membrane, as had those dreadful beamdrops washed away a film glued upon the whole world and, although this film being ever so thin and translucent it rendered itself undetectable, it still had discoloured and dimly distorted the world as I'd known it. Like had the sum total of the world now gone through an opposite negative energy field.
          Yes, I think it must've been so. Like magnets these gloomy beamdrops had attracted every single particle of dread, darkness and dismay as they surged by, and not in, me. It left me thinking: "I used to be their magnet, but when I altered my point-of-position it brought about a corresponding alternation in my energy frequency that must've affected them in such a way they themselves became the attracting poles; magnets of misery irresistibly attracting fellow woeful mates as they whirled about on their way to where I do not know."
          However it was, my world had been set free from the distorting veil fear and agony had bent it into appearance before. Like had I previously seen things through a dusty looking glass; a second hand vision that by definition turned everything reversed and, due to the dust, put a pale grey filter between me and what I beheld. Now I could, for the first time ever, see it all as it truly was; I could see its magnificence, its splendour, its awe-striking beauty and true wonder. Oh my friend, my friend, truly I tell you, it felt like was I looking straight into Love's untainted creation.
          The air around me was crisp and clearer than crystal, yet it was warm like a sunbathed perfect mid-summers day. It brought the world forth as astoundingly gorgeous in its radiant and intensely bright, yet so heartily tender prism of colours. I met with a true wonder-spectrum teeming with exuberantly rich and grandeur shapes, colours, sounds, scents, all of which interlaced so magically intricate and enthralling it just had to be forged by the hand of God Himself.
          Yeah, my friend, it was like had the very Rainbow decided to lay down to rest peacefully and happily on our Earth in all its marvel and wonders, unleashing the majestic brilliance of prolific fortunes previously hid away cautiously and possessively in two never-found vessels standing by its feet. Now, as the Rainbow relaxed at last, its own floodgate of treasures opened up and so, out of the vessels and into the world, jumped the most precious, tiny Trossles, spreading themselves playfully all over in pristine joy, laughing and rejoicing and shining their loving, beaming, glorious light in simple delight of just being there.
          One could've thought this would be a too intense an experience – too bright, too wonderful, too much joy, light, love and beauty somehow – but it absolutely wasn't! No my friend, quite the contrary I'd say; it was the most soothing thing the world has ever seen.

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Oh boy, we're both so tremendously thankful for that darkness now she and me, because we belong together, we've always belonged together, and without that darkness – o scary thought! – without it perhaps we would never had found our way back to one another … but ...let's not go there!!! No, I don't even want to think about it! Now we are back together, as one, as we were always meant to be, so in my mind that darkness was really the brightest thing ever!

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The day the Dark Weaver and the Light Weaver met the strangest thing happened;
bewildered they realized,
both at the precise same time too,
they'd always loved one another!

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