~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Chapter 2

Water

Another peculiar dream last night, about water this time. Water, an endless sea of it, an infinite body of billowing, moving water. I had no perception of its depth, and in the dream that was just normal, as it should be. A thing that stroke me as rather peculiar was that even if this water was endless, there were a shore, a shore appearing at ebb tide only, and the whole dream took place during ebb. In the water a crocodile was lurking. It wasn't real, it was more like … well, it's hard to describe this since my knowledge about its nature came more from a feeling than from an objective observation, but it was like was it man-made. But it behaved just as a real one, and it had its mind set on killing its prey, just as a real one.
          For some reason it always had its mind set on me, whenever I went into the water. I didn't know why, and I certainly didn't like it. It was as if the crocodile didn't care about anyone else but me, and it just waited for me to enter. I absolutely loved being in the soothing wonder of that water, except, of course, for the threat of the crocodile. Every time I went into the water I felt the crocodile's eyes looking for me, and once I got caught in it's sight it moved rapidly towards me, forcing me to swiftly get out of there again. But I kept having this yearning feeling of re-entering, wanting to sense the soft, gentle water caressing my body in it's encircling embrace.
          The water had no temperature, and my first impression of its colour was that it was transparently sand-yellowish. When I looked closer I could see that just beyond the surface some kind of water plants were moving leisurely in the calm rhythm characteristic of an almost still water. The water plants shifted in subdued dark-green, a somewhat brighter light-green, and some sort of brownish orange, all against a light luminous warm-yellow backdrop. That yellowness somehow gave me a feeling of a divine welcoming.
          I closed my eyes and then, in my minds eye, I could see three kinds of waters colliding; one dark-green, one a mixture of light green, orange, brown and yellow, and one dark-red. All three of them were very intense and stormy – the red one reminded me of a tornado. They each had separate spaces, and yet it was like they were interrelated, unified, as if, I thought to myself, they didn't resent each other completely, however hostile towards one another they were – or felt like they had to be in order to survive. As if, in spite of everything, they were entwined and in fact deeply wanted to feel their interlaced connectedness, no matter how much animosity towards the others they also held inside at the same time.
          I opened my eyes and sensed the water in front of me, its softness beckoning me to re-enter. I walked towards it and once again I felt it embrace my body with its tender touch, it just felt so good, so assuasive, like were it lovingly cleansing the very core of my soul. But there the crocodile was again, it had spotted me and it closed in on me, coercing me to turn back. I felt frustration welling up inside me about this happening over and over again, and I thought: "Why, why, why always me? It can leave everybody else in peace, but not me!".
          Then, out of nowhere, a woman entered the dream. I knew she was there to help me with the crocodile. She didn't say anything, she just went into the water, walked straight up to the crocodile intending to catch it and take it away from there. I knew she was putting herself in a life-threatening situation doing that, as did she, but she wasn't afraid – just very careful and cautious. And she did manage to catch the beast. She carried it up on land and placed it on a bench. As soon as she had let go of it, it transformed into a very small scorpion, black-reddish in colour. Like its previous shape – the crocodile – this scorpion wasn't real, I had that same feeling of it being something man-made.
          The woman didn't seem to take any notice of any of this, she left it and went away – as if it couldn't do me any more harm. But I knew it could, and it would, if it just came close to me, if it just got a chance. The scorpion ran down the bench and disappeared into the sand dunes on the shore. It was so small, and moved so fast, I lost track of it immediately. So now, everything had gone from bad to worse. I didn't know where it was, whether it was still on the shore or if it had gone into the water. I couldn't see it, I just knew it was still there, somewhere. I looked around, desperately trying to spot it – I had to know if it was somewhere near me, approaching me, because if it was, it was with the intent to kill me. But I couldn't see it. And my helpful woman had left.
          So, there I was, alone, standing perfectly still, terrified from the scorpion, and all I wanted was to be embraced by the water again. I so longed to once again get in contact with that amazing feeling of simultaneous calmness and fulfilment – a feeling like a close to God experience, a feeling rising inside of me whenever I reunited with the water. When I was there I just wanted to move on, deeper and deeper, until I was so far away from the shore I could no longer return. But I couldn't go there, since that damned scorpion could turn up anywhere! And there I woke up, having this strange double feeling of being really scared and really calm and relaxed, both at the same time. I glanced at the clock; 5.35 am.