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Time and time again the little girl had
sensed a misty, undistinguishable fear in
the air, like an unheard sound echoing
portentously back and forth between her and
a far away distant it was. She was convinced
she was the one causing it, but she couldn't
figure out just how: "It is as if I can make
unpleasant things come about without even
knowing what I'm doing ..." she'd thought to
herself. Yes, she'd thought about this, a
lot. When she'd put this eerie sensation
together with the stories she'd been told,
stories about her, who she really was, she
felt like a clue had been offered her. You
see, right after she was born the trolls had
come and they took the real her and left one
of their unpleasant troll-kids in her place.
This meant, of course,
she was a troll child.
Yes, that's what the stories told, and that
brought some sense into it all, as she saw
it. Because the little girl knew from the
fairytails that trolls were nasty, evil
creatures, and so
was nasty and evil, at the very core of her
there wasn't anything much she could do
about that, it was simply a natural part of
her troll nature. The evil was there, it
bided inside of her. So when she didn't do
what she was told to, or if she did bad
things in general, and if her mother then
said that no child of hers could behave in
such a way, her troll nature became more and
more evident. It
her to behave badly, yes that's how it had
to be, because she didn't
to behave badly. On the contrary, she wanted
her mother to see that she could be a really
good, pretty, and amazing little girl, that
she wasn't scary in the least! She wanted
that more than anything.
tried, really really hard, to prove her good
heart, but at the same time, in having to
it, she knew she was just trying – and that
the same as just pretending. When she did
bad things, however, or things no one
noticed, she didn't have to try. Such
behaviours sprang forth anyway, like, she
just did it, and often she didn't even know
what she'd done before it was already out in
the open. And it seemed to her that no
matter how hard she tried she couldn't take
control over her evil troll nature because
she kept doing bad things every now and
again. She'd thought about that, also, a lot,
and she'd decided she must try even harder.
Somehow she just had to find a way to take
charge over her evilness.
became like a battle within her – to fight
back the evil and to bring forth the good.
She also had to figure out what really was
meant by "good" and "bad". This wasn't easy.
No it sure wasn't, because sometimes, the
very same behaviour that had been rewarded
before other times got punished. But there
had to be some kind of difference, she'd
thought, maybe in
she did it? Or maybe it was the words she
used? Or was it the feeling she had when
doing or saying it? She just didn't know.
Twisting and turning different behaviours of
hers, and different responses to her doings,
she'd made huge efforts trying to sort
things out; trying to find that pattern she
wanted as a guiding compass to help her
separate right from wrong. But she just
couldn't find it.
some things she knew undoubtedly was very
bad, "and to be honest", she said, "I would
also like to figure out how to not like
doing bad things." Yes, she wanted to be
perfectly honest with me, and so she told me
that, admittedly, sometimes, she really
liked doing things others told her not to
important for you to know I'm the kind of
person people feel uneasy being around", she
continued. It was like a back and forth
movement, she explained; people let her in,
briefly, and the next moment, for reasons
unknown to her, they pushed her away again.
From this she'd learned that: "I can get
repulsive real fast. Not so strange, perhaps,
since I am, after all, a troll child". This
innermost nature of hers made it next to
impossible to like her, she'd reckoned.
Hence she knew her parents were just playing
with her, trying to make fun of her, when
they showed her some kind of affectionate
attention. She couldn't handle that.
to face reality", she said, "and take action
from it". If she hadn't known it before this
became crystal clear that horrendous night –
dreadful to the extent of unspeakable – when
everything was taken from her.
continues in Chapter