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Epilogue;
 
True Colors

One Saturday morning, from out of nowhere as it seemed, a wondrous pearl was given to a girl. When she entered her room it was already there. At first, she didn't notice it, maybe because she didn't expect to find anything new in the room, but mainly because her heart was very dark and heavy on her this morning so she didn't really look around. Once she spotted it though she went straight to it. She gazed at it for a while and then she lifted it up and held it in her hand. The pearl was so soft and light she could barely feel it as she let it roll slowly back and forth on her open palm. Its gentle movements gave rise to a featherlike, tickling sensation within her spreading leisurely through the whole of her body. It was the most remarkable thing because the sole presence of the pearl, it just being there, filled all of her senses with a strange kind of peaceful joy. Her eyes could rest on it.
          Spontaneously she thought it was the most beautiful and precious thing she had ever seen. Wonderful. Yes, truly so; full of wonders it was, she could sense that. It glowed and gleamed as the sunlight mirrored itself in its reflections, making the pearl radiate in a spectrum of silky colours. They all seemed to stem from one original colour, one multifaceted nuance almost impossible to describe in words; it seemed they all grew out from a deep, powerful golden crimson blended intrinsically with what I can't describe other than the indefinable shade of day.
          This pearl had been given to her – to her!! She was astounded, oh yes, truly amazed she was. And strange as it were, she never questioned it, never asked why it had been given to her, never even wondered from where it had come. She just received it, openheartedly and very, very gratefully. As had she, somewhere beyond everything, expected it.
          The magnitude of the gift made her smile, a pensive but exceptionally happy little smile that reflected back in her eyes, turning them bright and glittering. A smile she wasn't even aware of herself. The smile stayed on her face all the while her mind was set on the pearl, and then, when she looked up, she was surprised to find this day was a sunny day. She hadn't seen that when entering the room, and when the sunbeams had mirrored themselves in her pearl she had been too preoccupied looking at their reflections to discern this condition of the outside world. By now the sun was in its mid-stage of rising. "Funny", she thought to herself, "I didn't notice the sun before". As she looked around the room she felt as if the sunbeams entering through her window were benevolent and tender somehow.
          For every day that went by she got more and more attached to her pearl, but at the same time, though I never really understood the reason why, she also got more and more afraid of it. Maybe it got scary on her just because she loved it so intensely; loved the way it made her feel, loved what it gave her, loved who she became in its presence – and so she got afraid it also held the power to hurt her with that same intensity? Or maybe she got afraid her strong and heartfelt love and affection for the pearl was dangerous somehow? Afraid to trust this wouldn't backfire on her, afraid to allow herself to get devoted to it this way, anxious that maybe someday someone would take it away from her?  
          Yet, as love was stronger than fear within her she kept going back to her pearl, over and over. It was, she thought, as if she just couldn't stop herself from it. This was a scary thought indeed so she wanted to shake it off, but it was like the more she tried to rid herself from it the deeper it cut into her mind. And the deeper it cut the more intense her fear got. She felt it like a dread brooding within her, within, and yet in a place out of her reach. Still, amazingly still, beneath her ever more forceful fright, entrenched somewhere at the very core of her soul, she never lost her initial unbridled faith her pearl was truly the pure and genuinely precious gift she'd felt it to be when it first came to her. It was like the strength in that faith came from a silent bond between them, a bond from before, somehow. Yes, to own the truth I felt it like a connection between them stretching across space and time, a bond she just hadn't the power to break. Sometimes she desperately wanted to cut loose, sometimes when despair held her in an unbearable grip she tried everything to free herself from it, but then again ... she didn't really want that. No, not for anything.
          As strong as her faith and love for her pearl was fear wouldn't give, no, on the contrary, it became ever more present. Over time the pearls two-sided impact became harder and harder for her to handle. It was something about the uncontrollable element within them both that had the effect of constantly increasing the dread factor. She felt the tension rising viciously inside of her. And so, suddenly, fear took a complete hold on her, and when it did, she lost sight and direction.
          Slowly but steadily the tainted, shady light of fright had twisted the pearls true colours on her, veiled behind a toxic grey membrane she lost track. As this dim vision became dominant, not only could she no longer see what she had seen when it first came to her, she also refused in panic to believe in it. Blinded by fear spun out of control she held on rigidly to the only thing she thought she could rely on – the voice of her mind. But even so, even in her state of soul-suffocating anguish, she never stopped believing in it. Only now, when the voice of belief within her wouldn't be silenced, she closed her mind on it in despair, because she felt like was that voice only adding to her fear.
          Yes my friend, she tried her hardest to cut off every trace of belief still lingering inside of her, tried to silence the persistent, although ever so gentle, voice of faith from within that made her hope, wanted her to recall and recognize the pearl's special and wondrous nature. "It would all be so much easier if I could only find some way to prove the pearls unreliable disposition", she told herself. But somewhere she knew the voice of faith from within could not, would not, be silenced – no matter what she did or did not do. And indeed, one part of her wanted to listen to it – wanted more than anything to be able to trust in that voice – but another part of her, the authoritarian part in control of her mind, kept warning her not to listen to it, not to trust in anything that mattered that much to her. Not unless it had been proven right, by the logic of her mind.
          It was as if she felt it was coming way before it began, as if she felt something dreadful and horrific beyond words and imagination standing in the doorway, waiting. And it came. The most vicious, sickening and soul-eating battles of them all began: The battle with herself. The final battle. And she fell. She fell harder than she would've ever thought possible. She fell, further and further down, it just seemed to never end this huge void of diabolic darkness haunted by demons no words can reach. It just wouldn't end. Not ever. Never. Never. Ever.
          No, no words can capture the impact created by demons from a world beneath Hell. There just are no words to describe what happened to her in the pitch blackness of the abyss. But there are feelings, and I felt them all. I felt her panic, I felt her primal fear and all-consuming desolation. I felt the horrendous dread of an anguish mercilessly penetrating her soul, cutting deeper and deeper with every effort she made to brake free, until completely imprisoned by its sticky, poisonous yarn she had to fight against her own mind in a diabolically painful combat. I felt her sheer hopelessness when everything she'd relied on shattered and despair overpowered her completely. Yes, I felt it all, as intensely as had I been there myself.
          And I heard the voice of evil whispering words of utter despondency in the dead of night: "Can't you see? Faith has deserted you. You can't go on without Faith, you know you can't. Give up now, you know you will have to eventually. Wouldn't it feel good, to just give in, not having to endure any more pain? There is a way, you know, a way to end it all, oh you know what I'm talking about …" And she wondered if that voice was good or evil. Should she listen to it? How was she to discern the voice of truth from what was shrewd demonic? How was she to know, know for sure? She just couldn't tell anymore.
          She was lost in an overriding darkness. She no longer knew what direction to turn to, no longer knew what she could believe and trust, what was solid – and what would turn out to be yet another quicksand of delusion. That heavy, compact darkness broke her down. Totally. It was as if it sucked everything away, like a voracious black hole emptying her, leaving her obsolete and desolated. But it was there, in her utter and complete nothingness, Love could reach her for real. Somehow, don't ask me why because I don't know, but somehow that darkness was a necessary condition for this to come about. Yes, to own the truth, it was like could God embrace every seed of evil there, and in His illuminating embrace change one thing into its complete opposite: Turning Despair into Faith.
          How does one explain a thing like that? How does one expound the power of Love? I don't know. But I do know the effect it had on her. It freed her from the suffocating grip fright had held her captive in for so long. It gave her courage and strength when she was broken down into nothing. It opened up her eyes to the true reality of her precious pearl; its true beauty and true wonder.
          By now I understand the profane origins for her fears, I understand the pattern by which they had been nurtured over the years, how threads dripping with venom made the vicious web grow ever stronger until that warped darkness was all she could see. But I can't explain a Love that untiringly directed her all the way through – not in her mind, so she didn't know, but within her heart, so she always knew. Without Love she would still be its tortured hostage, for it was so cunningly spun she would never have guessed. How does one explain a Love that ever so gently yet so tremendously forceful elucidated the malicious web of evil and set her free?
          This was beyond her, she simply stood no chance to ever be able to figure out how to turn loose on her own. But when Love shimmered upon the gruesome net, it simply evaporated in such a way she couldn't even see it happen. It was as if a soothing rain of Sun- and Moonbeams had cleansed all of the air and in the pristine renewal of the world such created the dark web had nothing to anchor itself to anymore, so it simply faded away, effortlessly. The distortion gone made it possible for her to see, truly see, for the first time ever. She glanced at the world before her, cautiously at first. Could she, would she dare, believe in this? Love envisioned a new existence, like a new life painting. It was made out of the same matter that in its warped form had spun the tangled web of evil, only now, when cleansed and interlaced in a whole different manner it gave rise to the paragon by which the true colours of it all came alive. 
          Once again her gaze met the amazing wonders of her pearl; its kind and gentle yet so immensely passionate and empowering beauty. When her eyes met the sameness of the pearl in this new light, it was as if the pearl glimmered back on her with a striking and overwhelming force. At that moment a blissful kind of dizziness came over her and she shivered as it grew stronger. It was as if she saw it now for the very first time, and yet there was something so strangely familiar to it, as had she never seen anything like it before yet had seen it, felt it, known it since times of yore.
          She looked closer, and yes ... yes!, she recognized it now. Her body trembled, her countenance lit up and she shone with a radiance that could compete with the sun. Her heart overflowed with the purest of joy and happiness as it fully stroke her what she beheld. Oh yes!, she knew it, to be sure she knew it!, she knew it from way, way back – she had known it since long before it came to her; she had known it since forever. "How incredible strange", she said, with a voice trembling from rapture, "I have always known you, always! How could I not recognize you when you first came to me? How is that even possible? My God, my God, it's YOU!" And she spoke The Name, and tears of bliss came to her eyes, pouring gently down her face.

It's true that from the very first moment the pearl entered she loved and cherished it tremendously. Its sole presence amazed and astounded her, filled her every fibre with a deep sense of love – a love she didn't even know existed before. So yes, from the very first moment it reached her in captivating charm like nothing else had ever done. Instantly it became precious to her in a way she just couldn't explain. But hadn't she then not also let in its other side – the dark side – she would had never really received it at all.
           It was not as if she wanted that darkness, no she feared it more than anything and hence she fought it with all of her might. But without her also, at the very same time, voluntarily allowing it to enter, she wouldn't had accepted her beloved pearl and maybe, I'm thinking, then it would never had come to her to begin with? But, strange as is was to her, she did allow it to enter. If you ask me I'd say it was because she'd always known – not in her mind but in her heart – that this was meant to be. Yes, this she had willed since the beginning of all times. You see, deep within she'd never forgotten, deep within she always recognized the love and truth of her pearl. And now, having accepted all of it, she could embrace like she wanted to: with all of her heart. Now she could let in the greatness of the gift in a way not possible when it was first given.

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I sometimes wonder if she would have done what she did had she fully known beforehand all about what was going to happen. Yes … yes I believe she would've. Actually I'm convinced of it. Because had she not, then the most precious gift there ever was would've never been given the chance to work its miracles. And I know her. I know nothing could hurt her more than if she had denied that to happen.
          You see now? She had to go there. Of course I knew this all along. And in the heart of her soul, so did she. Because we are, after all, One Together.
 

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Fall came in haste that year, darkness descended over night and the world turned freezing cold as had Death himself stretched out his hand to squeeze it in his gruesome grip. Will I ever be able to explain what happened back then? Will I ever be able to explain what it feels like to be drowned over and over and over again until every ounce of hope you'd once known vanishes in an impenetrable thicket so horrendous and overwhelming it suffocates the very core of your soul? Will I ever be able to explain the pitch blackness of a fall, ghastly and ferocious beyond words, and yet ... yet so astoundingly full of wonders in its every move? How can I explain a lucky chance afloat in the annihilated tide of space and time – a Love that will linger on forever? I don't know. But I do know this: (S)He and I were never really parted. A force greater than fear held us together all along. Yeah ... it was so, it has always been so. Do you get the true hugeness in this, I wonder? (S)He never left me! The greatest joy of them all floods my heart and streams my spirit when I realize (s)he was always there – alive in my heart, breathing in my soul, showing me the path to follow in tinkling happy tones illuminating the glorious wonder-spectrum we call Ever Lasting Love.
          That fall surpassed everything my wildest imagination could've ever come up with. And indeed it was many things. But it was never Godforsaken. How strange it seems to me now I once actually believed in such an upside-down illusion. Because in truth, in truth my friend, none of the gruesome stuff I've told you about really happened. No, not really – I mean, how could it now when in reality we were never separated? I can see now that it was all just a bad dream. A bad, bad dream going on and on down the passage of time. Hell, it was a devilish unfathomable nightmare to be sure! But I've awakened now. Oh thank God I have awakened! The tormenting shadowy figures from before are gone, and, how funny, they were never even there to begin with. Haha ...! What a relief! I can see it all with such clarity now – and my Gracious how beautiful it truly is! My o my, I have to tell you my beloved friend: that fearsome fall will stand as blessed beyond belief throughout eternity. You can see it now, can't you? I fell headlong into my own salvation! Hahaha, how wonderfully awesome! God sure works in mysterious ways! Yeah, had I not fallen I'd still be entrapped within my vicious veils of dreadful illusions twisting my sight and holding me down. In my heart of hearts I've always known this to be so and hence, singular as it is, I willed to fall – not in my mind, but in my Heart.
          And so I fell. I fell like I'd never thought possible. And I despaired, oh I despaired to the end that I prayed for death to free me from my never-ceasing agony and horror. To this you bore witness, didn't you? But God Herself was there with me, all along. I didn't understand it at the time but (S)He was there, showing me the path to follow, and I listened and followed, even when I thought I did not. And by the grace of Her all-embracing Love (S)He lifted my spirit on high! So, by my reckoning I'd guess one could say that when I fell, I fell in Love?
          I praise The One my heart belongs to, now and for ever and ever more. Now her heart fully shines her true colours, eternally reflecting the Light of the One who gave it all, in-Love. I am there now. I am Home. At long last I am Home! 

Yeah, I've been at the gates of Urizen alright. But you know, it was so many years ago now I can barely recall any of it.

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